Funny Raiders
by stellabella2
Summary: Random stories from tomb raider!
1. Chapter 1

**The funny riders**

**Chapter1: Alistair, the Sucker**

It was a bright day in London, Lara was reading and our Kurtis was giving nicknames to everyone starting with him:

_Kurtis- demon hunter._

_Lara- Lara_

_Zip- technophobe, Zipster_

_Kiera- Kiz_

Kiera: What's that father?

Kurtis: Something that don't prevent you.

Kiera: Why you write Alistair the sucker?

Kurtis: Because this is him, a sucker, my God what I said!

He putted his hands on his mouth.

Kiera: Ha-ha…

The little girl almost died, she was laughing so hard, and Alistair came in.

Alistair: Hey what is so funny?

He asked the brunet girl.

Kiera: You are a SUCKER!

She started to laugh again, until she fell from the armchair, Lara came in.

Lara: Watch your mouth Kiera.

Kiera: Sorry mom, but is sooooooooooooo funny, oh my I will die!

Alistair was red of furry and came to slap Kiera, but a strong hand grabbed his neck.

Kurtis: You just touch her and you are dead.

Alistair made a little heart attack and fall from his hand.

Kurtis: And like this you end a sucker.

Lara: So you started this thing, Kurtis.

Kurtis: I…

Lara: Not an I!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Cat**

Kurtis sat on the sofa and watched at the rain drops, Lara read like usual, when something made a sound from outside.

Sound: Maw, maw, maw.

Lara got up and opened the door; she saw a little poor kitten.

Lara: Look at her, let's keep her!

Kurtis: If you say so…

00000

Kiera: Ah… Father!

The twelve years old girl hides behind her father.

Kurtis: What is little one?

Kiera: That cat is the devil itself!

Kurtis: Oh… I know but your mother wants to keep it.

Kiera: Yes and in the end to kill me.

Kurtis: Nahh… he likes to eat only feared souls.

The cat: I can hear you…

And it makes her head to turn at the back. It was scary.

Alistair: Hey lads, wathh…..

The cat jumped on Alistair's face and ate his head. Kurtis and Kiera had strange looks on their faces. Lara came in.

Lara: What the hell?

The cat: I have been expecting for you, Miss Croft.

The cat jumped and tried to attack Lara, but the woman holstered the guns and kills it.

Lara: What was so hard?

The two Lux Veritatis looked at Lara like she was smelling.

Lara: What is with you?

Kiera: The cat was the devil.

Lara: I hate you, both of you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Kiera Sleeps**

The 21 woman sat next her boyfriend in bed.

Kiera: Have a good night, Nicky!

Nick: You too, sweetheart!

Karel: Kiera Croft, I came for you!

A strong voice echo from the second floor, it was looking, Karel entered through the window.

Nick: Take care and kill the bastard…

Kiera: I have another choice?

She got up and took her trusty Chirughai and ran down.

After some moments…

Kiera: I'm done…

Nick: ...

She closed her when suddenly:

Natla: Hey Kiera, I think we have to talk.

Nick: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAT SHE'S DOING IN MY BEDROOM!?

Kiera: Ok, let's get it started!

After one shot Natla disappeared.

Nick: Really!? Man, what's with this crazy stuff!

Kiera: I don't know… But I'm so tired; hold me in your arms.

Nick: Come at me, little princess.

She closed her eyes, again, when she almost fall asleep, _a voice came trough you and me_, Zip started to sing this thing.

Zip: _So, bye, bye, Miss American dream,_

_I asked for the levy but the levy was dry…_

Kiera: AHH!

Nick: Get him, until I get him and gave him as a sacrifice to the God…

Kiera: Ooo… He will wish he wouldn't be born, I assure you; he will suffer!

Down there:

Kiera looked at Zip from her hiding place, she spotted him and then he jumped at his neck and baits him like a vampire.

Zip: AAA! SOMBODY! HELP ME! SHE TURNED IN A VAMPAIRE!

Hearing the screams, Kurtis came down.

Kurtis: Everyone is all right? For the Sake of the God, Kiera stop!

Kiera looked at her father.

Kiera: Sorry, I... I… I'm tired that's all.

She goes upstairs.

Lara: What was that groaning?

Kurtis: Kiera turned again in vampire.

Lara: You said you made a potion and now she doesn't do that thing anymore!

Kurtis: I lied, what is your problem!?

Lara: YOU! I HATE WHEN YOU DO THIS!

Lara and Kurtis were reprehending each other.

Kiera: SHUT UP!

A voice was heard, everybody stopped and looked at Kiera, the girl looked at Alistair and his head exploded, throwing blood everywhere.

Kiera: If. Anybody. Say a word, dies like him. UNDERSTOOD?!

They looked scared at the furious girl.

Kiera: Good…

She left and returned to her sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter4: Twins**

Walking on the street, Kiera was talking on the phone and a another girl just like Kiera was playing on her I phone, the girl had long blond hair in the same time that Kiera's hair was long and dark-brown, her eyes blue in the same time Kiera's eyes were dark-brown, she was dressed in black clothes and Kiera in white ones.

They walked in a bus and sat face to face, they putted they're headphones in the same time.

When they arrived at their destination, they walked in different magazines, the blonde in an emo shop and our brunette in a glamour shop.

When they arrived outside they walked until they bumped in each other.

Kiera: Hey! Watch where you put your foots!

She said in a sarcastic voice.

The blonde: NO! WATCH YOU, SLUT!

She lifted her eyes to see Kiera, when they made eye contact none of them could say anything.

Kiera: Who the Hell is you?

The Blonde: Who is you? Better asked…

They rose up and started to ask each other for some good time _''who the fuck is you?''_

Finally the blonde response:

Herya: I'm the princess Herya, the princess of the Upper Decorah, you lady?

Kiera: Name's Kiera, the warrior girl, you know.

Herya: I'm sure, how about to be friends?

Kiera: Why not? Yes.

After some good moments…

Kiera: And when he did it, he couldn't believe that he wasn't Augustine blood, so he remained mortal.

Herya: Cool story, so you are the Don in some way?

Kiera: Yes, you must be Augustine.

Herya: Vey true.

Kiera: That means, together we can create the Vail, that ancient power which can destroy everything.

Herya: Are that zombies?

Kiera: Uhh… For the God sake they really exist?!

Herya: Let's test the Vail should we?

Kiera: Let's do it baby!

The girls took they hands, with the other two hands, Herya took her a black pistol and Kiera her white, they unlashed some sort of circle and shooting happy they are so such good friends, the Nephillim and the Lux Veritatis destroyed the zombies.

This was… our happy ending!

**Will you please review the story?! PLEASEEEEE!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter5: Bills**

Kurtis lists money for electric bill, water bill, bill for the destruction of peace.  
Fine from police fined the shop that he blew up last week to rescue fine, fine at the mall.  
Count all the money he had given  
Kurtis: 687,567,908,788,123,345, WHAT KIND OF NUMBER IS THAT!  
Even the whole money on the world will not pay that thing. Kurtis rose up from his chair, stoked Kiera's head and left to ... to ... to... To the hell.  
0000  
Kurtis: Man, watcha doin '?  
Satan: How you get here, Heisstrum?  
Kurtis: With my feet.  
Satan Mneh ... Sure, what the God, do you want?  
Kurtis: Did you just say ...  
Satan: Yeah, what's your problem?  
Kurtis: Nothing really.  
Satan: What do you want?  
Kurtis: Some money.  
Satan: Because you helped me once, how much?  
Kurtis: 687,567,908,788,123,345 pounds.  
Satan: What kind of number is that?  
Kurtis: Really do not know.  
Satan: I'm getting bored of you, here is a half of theme, if you want the rest, give me some chocolate I did not eat some over 1900000 years.  
After he brings Some chocolate:  
Satan: Thanks. Here s the rest of the money.  
0000  
Kurtis finally paid it.  
Lara: I want to know where all that money?  
Kurtis: Ouch ... It will hurt.


End file.
